The Vampire MING's Castle

2002-09-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

ROMAJI transliteration:

kimi no sono yokokao ga
kanashii hodo kirei de
nani hitotsu kotoba kakerarenakute
ki tsukeba namida afurete ru
kitto sonna ga omotte iru yori zutto
kizu tsuite ta ne tsukarete ita ne
ki tsukazu ni ite gomen ne

haru no kaze tsutsumarete yuruka na yume egaite
natsu no kumo tokirete ha kiete itta
aki no sora setsunakute fuyu no umi tsumetakute
muchuu ni natte iku hodo toki ha tatte ita ne

takusan no dekigoto wo
kuguri nukete kitan da
soshite ima koko ni iru kimi no koto
hokori ni omou itsu no hi mo
hito tte kitto kotoba ni naranai you na
omoide da to ka kimochi to kakae
sou shite ikite iku n da ne
toomawari bakari shite tsukareru toki mo aru ne
da kedo saigo ni tadori tsuku basho tte
soba ni iru dake de tada kokoro ga iyasarete ku
sonna sasae ni itsu ka naritai to negau yo

ENGLISH translation:

Your face is
more beautiful when you're sad.
I couldn't say even one word,
When I noticed, you had brimmed over with tears.
That must have hurt much more
than I thought. I'm tired.
I'm sorry that I didn't notice.

The spring wind rolls by, it draws a far off dream.
The break in the summer clouds disappeared.
The autumn sky is painful, the winter sea is cold
The more I fall into a trance the more time passes.

Many events
have slipped by.
And you, here, now,
I'm proud of you, always.
People are not memories
that you can put into words. They live
holding onto their feelings.
Sometimes you take only the roundabout way and get tired.
But the place I finally get to
is just by your side, and my heart is healed.
I want to be that kind of support someday.

2002-09-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

*sigh*
i believe i'm truely strange. either i am or my class people are. i dont find them interesting or extremely fun to be with. actually not fun at all. they bore me. and frustrate me so much. my life has reached a point of saturation. i dont know. like emotionally downhill. with these "classmates" of mine. they might as well turn themselves into "groupies", i mean, they are groupies already. might as well legitimatise it and all..
argh.
i HATE group mentality. i detest groupies. i loathe their very existence. their presence emits a sense of evil & foulness. i cannot explain. the auras they show to me are shallow. i wish they'd go away. is it so damned hard to find someone of the same frequency? the world is unkind. at this point in time, it's testing my patience to the very last inch of my mortal body & soul. to prevail or collapse. i know not. for i'm only human.
*sigh*
i want to escape from all this. but i'm trapped. there's no way out.
death?
do i want to end it all yet?
no. there are still too many uncertainties. i'm interested to know, for now, what the outcomes are.
at time, i feel like there's no point going on anymore. then again, i've too many responsibilities to be able to take my life now. there's much to be done.
many times, i wonder if i'm doing everything for the right reasons or not and should i really do it or is it worth it...the answers i really dont know. i cannot find them. but i'm carrying on. perhaps with some hope and curiousity.
they say "curiosity killed the cat".
but i think i could get wounded. surely, i wouldn't come out of it dead.
i doubt it very much.

2002-09-16T04:20:00.000-07:00

suddenly i've been feeling afraid. like things about chris. how well do i know him to go there and see him? am i putting myself at risk? until now, everything's like what he said it is.
talked abit with yama-kun, i feel better. i trust chris. i hope i didn't trust the wrong person. just hope and pray i'm right about him and he's not some goon or serial rapist or anything. that would be terrible.
those baddies are 1 in a million. i hope i wasn't "lucky" enough to know one.
but judging from all the interaction i had with chris, tho' it was short and few, he seems alright. just hope he really is the man i think him to be. but if i die as a result of all this. suppose it is fate and even tho' i fear, i'm not too afraid. maybe it is the way things should be.
faith. trust. understanding. i need more of these.

2002-09-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

was finally able to book my driving test.
yesterday was feeling like crap. today a little light hearted, i think. i dunno. hormones?
hmm..
tired.
*poof*

2002-09-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

dont know if this is all i want. i dont wanna find a guy in Uni, date him for 4 years, register for a condo/public housing, get registered for marriage, enjoy the "honeymoon" period for a year, have like 3 kids ('cos the govt says so..3 or more is the current policy) and then be so busy at work that i dont see them grow, then POOF they;re getting on with this cycle. and i'm old in my condo..wondering why i feel so empty..
i wanna break outta this. but i'm trapped. i feel trapped.
lonely.
misunderstood.
depressed.
exhausted.
the days past.
the more weary i become.
but the treadmill goes on.
and if i stop, i'll surely be dragged under it and be killed.
the only thing is to jump off the treadmill
i dont know if i can
i dont know if i should.
i just
dont know...
not anymore.

2002-09-08T21:59:00.000-07:00

headache.
think the weather. cranky weather's making me weird. like a dizzy kinda headachy feeling. weird.
term break term break. i'm going to be so broken. *sigh* break my lazy bones. but i do not have the strength.
spinning spinning.
the world is spinning.
round and round. aching.
growing fat.
getting big.
i'm a blob.
or a blop.
i'm not sure.
uncertainty is the only certain thing in my life.
how comforting that thought seems to be.
*sigh*

2002-09-06T08:20:00.000-07:00

at times i feel like my dreams will come true
and then maybe reality bites me and i think it wont
but i suppose i will continue to trudge on
since there's no where else to go
but forward.
in a little over a week, it would be 2 months since we parted ways. i still dont know whether i should be saddend or elated that time is passing.
school's out for a week
it's not good news.
there's much work to be done.
and i have lazy bones.
no good.
i dont know if things will straighten out eventually. everything's still uncertain.
i'm growing weary.
but i will try to
persevere.
there could be harsher times.
unknown to me.

2002-09-04T03:05:00.000-07:00

I'll Be There - Escape Club
Over mountains, over trees
Over oceans, over seas
Across the deserts
I'll be there

In a whisper on the wind
On the smile of a new friend
Just think of me
And I'll be there

CHORUS: Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight to be with you
'Cause I'm on your side, and I still care
I may have died, but I've gone nowhere Just think of me, and I'll be there

On the edge of a waking dream
Over rivers, over streams
Through wind and rain
I'll be there

Across the wide and open sky
Thousands of miles I'd fly
To be with you
I'll be there

CHORUS

In the breath of a wind that sighs
Oh, there's no need to cry
Just think of me,
And I'll be there

2002-09-03T18:46:00.000-07:00

yesterday pa just fixed up the new lcd monitor we got. it's swanky. lovelier than the old junky monitor of course. well, it looks and feels good... haha! i feel like i'm in the cyber age now. life's good. i think.
money's coming in for my ebay sales. which is good. i need to get enough money so i can go abroad. but i dont even know if i'll be going or not or when i'm going.
yesterday i heard this song on the radio which said "to love, one must have courage" so i think that's what i must do. i dont know if what i'm doing is right still but right or wrong doesn't seem to fit the description. i doubt there's a clear cut right or wrong.
days pass pretty quickly. in a way. exams are coming. *sigh* and i'm behind in my work. i will catch up soon. hopefully. i'm smart but i shouldn't just rely on my smarts to get me by. but i've done that all my life. seriously i still do not know what i want in life.
school still sucks 'cos i dont enjoy the company of most people. it's really so hard to find someone or some people one can really talk to and click with. i miss those times when i could be understood without words. or just be comfortable.
i was thinking about the selective memory we use. like somethings i did. i dont really recall. but other remain embedded in my head like it was just yesterday. read once that due to selective memory, our images of things are distorted 'cos we choose to remember only things that we want to. so what we believe to be true might in fact be false.
it's confusing. just as every other part of life is. maybe i think too much and that screws my brain up sometimes. at times i'm a happier kid but that is rare. i cant say i'm truely happy. just surface happy kinda thing.
bought a bikini yesterday. it's pretty nice and it fits me great. i'm lucky to have found it. i always wanted a bikini and now i've got one for a fraction of it's original price. but it hurts that i'm spending money..argh i'm supposed to be saving money! so that i can go abroad. but i suppose i shouldn't sacrifice everything. i'm a human anyway, i've my wants and needs and stuff so i think a little spending on myself will be good. i dont know.
just very unsure of myself.
but i'm sure i'll get by. life could be worse than this. it really could be. so i should consider myself lucky.
thank my lucky stars...
i try.

2002-08-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

it's already the end of august.
actually time passes pretty quickly. especially when one is pretty busy. my schedule is quite tight. well, i have to do something i guess. today i was in my growling mood again. in the beginning part of the day. maybe it was the weather. it was raning and threatening to rain and dark clouds hanging about all day kinda thingy. that kinda weather sucks. especially when i have to get up and go to school or something. on a saturday. school. how fun can that be?!
and my group members are driving me up to heaven. maybe i'm just ... i dunno. mean. just 'cos they dont fit my clique profile. i dunno. people who dont fit my profile, i usually dont hang with.. it's just me. i was so glad to run off immediately after school to sharon's to play with my little sweetie doggie. tomorrow..or rather today, she's gonna go home and i wont ever see her again. it's sad. but life's all about meetings and partings. still sad but we have to deal with that. nothing's forever. nothing
now, my weeks have no end. they just end continuously. i dont know if that's good. maybe one day i will just breakdown and can no longer be fixed. i dont know.
anyway, parting with my little doggie was sad. she was pretty good today. she smiles and i carried her and let her lick me too 'cos well, i wont get a chance to feel like tongue on my skin again anyway. a will miss her alot. she's my friend. just like tango is. somehow it's weird. like we're good friends. and we hang out and all. i talk to them. they seem to understand me. sometimes i know they listen. but it all seems selective. i'm the more domineering partner in this relationship of course. the master and his friend. i will miss my furry friend alot. she helped me exercise alot and also taught me lots of things and relieved my anger and stress. she was my friend. a dear one. and she's going away. this feeling is hard to explain.
this year i meet alot of people or stuff and lost alot of them. it's a weird year.
was thinking about chris abit today. and that going to see him seems bleak. but i dunno what i want to do. i dont wanna just quit. i'll stake it out i guess. i need about S$1500 more. i HAVE to stake it out i think. people are slow to pay me. but the important thing is that they PAY me.
aot of sacrifices were made. all for the search of warm arms and company i enjoy. maybe i'm not losing that much after all. what i lost i will gain in someway i think. perhaps it's not equivalent or anything but there's no equality in this world so it's alright.
everytime i see spanish girls or i dunno things like that, girls who are so gorgeous, i feel that i will be left behind. 'cos i'm no supermodel. and why did chris like me? today i was just thinking, even tho when we got together, we didn't really know anything about each other, it was kinda cool. 'cos when you like someone, nothing really matters. who cares if he's a chris or a ben or a greg? and it wouldn't matter if i was a ming, a tina or a jill. i would still have been me i suppose at that point in time. so it was special in a way. many people spend so much time getting to know each other before they jump but we had an adventure.
it was nice.
mabe i'm just making everything sound so fairy tale.
but to me it is.
i still marvel at why some people are together and other not. the world is still a mystery to me. although many times i felt the urge to give up and leave it. i still dont know at this point in time whether life is worth living. but i'm hanging on and maybe one day i might fine the answers. or perhaps i would have vanished from the world from exhaustion.
i dont know.
i continue to run the race i dont know.
going through tunnels without light
paths full of holes
gravel
and
mud.
but still i run.
never stopping for long.
my destination unknown
my journey
arduous
but i continue
still.
for now
'cos i still
do not know.

2002-08-28T04:57:00.000-07:00

today i miss chris alot.
just feeling alittle down. that we cant be together and it makes me kinda sad seeing other ppl together. but i'm trying to be strong still. hopefully we will see each other again.
in class today i thought about hugging chris. i dunno. just the image of me putting my arms around his neck. argh. i miss doing that so much.
when?
when can i do that once more?
this is agonising.
*poof*

2002-08-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

a thought suddenly popped to mind 2 days ago. "he remembers!" 'cos like i sent him an email asking him why he called me "mouse" like more than 2 weeks ago and he told me why when he replied recently. it's so odd. like he remembered that i asked him that. but it's cool. at least he remembers. i'm beginning to have more faith. somehow.
started work at pasta fresca on wednesday. last night was my 2 day at work. it was ok. tiring towards the end but the work's alright. eagerly trying to earn some money so i can make my dreams come true. at this point in time, everything seems to be coming along fine but i must be prepared for any changes. like feelings and i dunno. schedules. they're evil things.
school's getting busier too. and i'm getting crankier. like sammie says. but everything will turn out fine. argh. i'm a terrible bad tempered child. hahah! but life will turn out alright i think. it always will. or has been. tolerable.
i wonder how sweetheart is. both the dog and the boy. one day i will see them again. i know.

2002-08-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

my sweetheart replied.
i dunno. it's odd. like when i open my mailbox and then i just have this thought in my mind - he replied. even before i saw who sent me an email. i dunno why.
but i think he pretty much feels the same way for me. and he wants to see me again. guess that's it. in a way, he's like me. he said he cant say he loves me 'cos we didn't spend much time together. which is what i feel as well. in my email to him, i never used the words i loved him only at the end of the email as a greeting, love, ming...i dunno. i always use that i dont know if it's too strong or anything. haha! but i'll write him an email maybe next week.
he replied pretty fast. took him like 4 days. it's cool.
i suppose now there's something to look forward to in life. but i dont really want the devastation of not having my dreams come true even tho' i tried. everything's still pretty uncertain. but there's nothing i can do to change it. still have to wait.
and life carries on. i still have to work and study and play (with my lovely doggie!)
i dont know. time seems to be moving at an alright pace. not really slow or anything.
think i'll go and read his email again. haha!
well, something i can do now. is to decipher his broken english. haha! ;)
today
i'm feeling
kinda happy.

2002-08-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

did my research work job today.
very very tired. plus the fact that i went to visit my sweet little Kiwi and Tango as well in the time we didn't need to do the work for the research.they were sweet. Tango's cute. and Kiwi so gentle, they're so lovely...
took some photos of them. for keepsake. Kiwi might not be in the house for much longer. she's going back to where she came from. that's kinda sad. so i took some photos to remember her. but she seems pretty scared of the flash. doesn't like it much. while tango, poses..hahah! like a model! but he's handsome...
later we brought them to the park and tango scared all the kids away. he really just wanted to play with them but they were dumb kids and ranaway...o well. it was funny. all the kids running away..and screaming like idiots.
brought the 2 jokers to kent ridge park. i wanted to play on the swings. WHEE...fun! but we couldn't go directly to the swings as they were doing construction works. so we had to climb a hell alot of steps to get all the way up so we could go to some part of the park which we didn't know where and hopefully get back to the swings.
climb climb climb..
tired
eventually we arrived at the top of the long long flight of stairs and it had a great view of pasir panjang area. it was kinda worth it i guess. should have brought the camera but always the best shots happen when you're without it. damned..hahah!
we were trying to look for the pond and eventually found it. pretty faraway. tango went for a swim. it was funny. and Kiwi got muddy paws so sammie got muddy shirt! hahah! tango's such a joker. i didn't want to get wet with pond water but he stumbled past me and i got wet too. but luckily not too much.
we didn't realise it but were walked really far. ended up in somewhere we really didn't quite know where. so we made a u-turn back. in case we get lost. chased a pittbull terrier for a bit and drove it crazy. haha! but it was alright.
finally we walked many steps down back to the swings.
WHEE...
i love swings.
i dont know why. maybe its the wind. or the speed. or the height. dont know.
but i love it.
went back to get some money and tango was given a clean up. the pond was yucky. fought with him over the frisbee for awhile. then we gave up. oo much saliva. yucks...
brought Kiwi baby to porcupine to buy stuff. now i've got soba noodles for food tomorrow. hmmm..hungry now but no, cant and shouldn't eat. Kiwi's never tired. she's full of energy. it's nuts. i'm dead beat. but it was fun.
afterward i rushed home 'cos i had part 2 of my research to do. very tiring affair. my legs hurt. bleh. hope they pay me soon...i neeeeeed money. who doesnt?
came home about 1115pm. showered and went online. junk mail in my mailbox. hate that. i wish i had good nice friend mail not junk mail. realised that chris read emails but he didn't reply to it anyway. o well. i dunno. dont wanna think too much. i'll just wait and hopefully he'll reply.
my legs hurt.
ache.
but it'll numb soon
like my heart.
and occasionally growl
like my tummy
but eventually
i think
i'll be alright.

2002-08-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

right-o.
got my phone bill today and it's a fucking S$1300+ that would be like US$600+. hmm...
i dont know how i feel about this. was a little defensive at first. but i'm alright. my parents are more alright than me. in a way. then again i'm not really sure how alright i am. i'm pretty emotionally unstable. very very screwed up. in a very curious way. strange. i dont know how i should be feeling or even what i'm really feeling at this point in time.
wrote chris an email. with many questions on it. i dont know when he will reply or if he will at all but i guess i've done it all and well...just have to wait again. it's a huge waiting game. and i'm the world's most terrible child and everyone should know that. incarnation of the devil. well yeah, something like that. vampires are somewhat devilish i suppose.
change change change
i've changed.
i'm a horror.
i'm angry.
at something
i'm not really sure what.
maybe it's just everything.
and no one knows.
not even myself.
so i've changed.
that's all we know.
but nothing more nothing less.
the root of all evil is change
and yet it is somehow good.
i'm a stuck up bitch.
a fool.
i hate myself.
i want to go somewhere i dont know where.
i cannot find it.
i'm in a tunnel with no end
and there is
no light.

2002-08-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

listening to "right here waiting" again.
he hasn't checked mail. hmmm..or rather, i see that he hasn't picked up the greeting card i dropped him. well...suppose things there must be er..i dunno.
sometimes i dont know why i like somebody. do i actually like them? or did i just tell myself i liked them? it's odd. wish there were things to explain everything. why do i like chris? ok, i find him cute. and then what next? right, i find him sexy. ok..and? he's humorous. well..yeah...and then? er..he amuses me sometimes. i dont know him all that well but we get along. i think we did. well, i did like his neck alot. delicious. hahah! i wanna have more.
i really wonder what he likes about me and if he does at all. really wonder what i am in his eyes. where do i stand? are we friends? more than friends? what? i've told him how i feel so i wonder how he feels. the last time we talked about this he said he probably feels the same way as i do. probably sounds like a very shady word. hmm... but he said he doesn't really know how i feel 'cos i dont express my feelings. so well and he couldn't really express himself in english. so there. we're in a huge fix. but i wanna know how he feels. bleh.
was talking to david and mark yesterday and they were telling me they wouldn't cheat on their partners. david said he just plain wouldn't. it's wrong. and mark said it's just too risky. but well..i dunno how europeans think...i only have an asian point of view. which is really sucky. i wanna know how chris thinks. we need to spend more time together to know. this sucks.
and they're gonna give kiwi back. now my life is completely without love. my little sweetie... she's so cute and good. *sigh* tango will drive me crazy but kiwi wont. she'll love me...
i'm sad today.
somehow i am.
seem to be alright but then there are things in life worth being sad about.
like kiwi and chris.
if the world was a paradise, they would be with me...
now.

2002-08-11T00:43:00.000-07:00

the song below seems to write most of what i'm feeling now. *sigh* some things i wish i could change but i cannot go back in time anyway.
really wonder how he is. he hasnt checked mail for awhile. probably doesn't have easy access or he's just not in the checking mail mood. o well..life goes on.
a few ppl have asked me where i'm going with all this money saving. like so what if i see him next year? what comes after that? i really dont know. but i want to try to make my dreams come true. at least know that i did something for myself and not just waited for something to happen. this trip to the US taught me alot in many ways. and i'm glad i went.
the auctions seem to be coming along well...
i think. some money is coming in from the local ones i expect. but no payment from overseas yet. but i'm gonna give it a few more weeks. things take time. time i have. lots.
been trying to find ways to earn a little more cash. but that's tough too. i'll just see how things work out. it's a slow process. sigh...
less than a month has past since we parted and i'm growing impatient.
god give me strength.
there's still a long way to go...

2002-08-11T00:35:00.000-07:00

Right Here Waiting
written by Richard Marx

from the CD "Repeat Offender"

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance

2002-08-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

*sigh*
there's many uncertainties in life and more so for us. sometimes my imagination goes wild and stuff and i feel very insecure and things like that but they all pass because i really dont know and i have no means of finding out and nothing i can do.
i know he doesn't lie to me even tho' that is comforting, its somehow sad as well. things can change so much. especially in such a long time. too much uncertainty. but i've to be patient still and strong. with hope and faith. many times, it's very hard. i wonder so much if he knows i'm here waiting.
i've so many dreams but i know not if they will come true as much as i wish they will. aspirations. maybe i think too much too far. he wants to live in the now. he doesn't think too much. haha! we'll see.
i wont be too sad then even if nothing goes on.
the distance will spare me the pain.
but now i feel him here but he's not. and that hurts. a little.
all of my life, where have you been?
why did i have to find you know and let you go away again?
it's a huge game. a trick played on me.
only a waiting game.
but i dont want to wait in vain.
i hope it wont be.
i'm trying to hard. if only you knew.

2002-08-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

suddenly i feel we (chris & i) live in two too different worlds..and well...it's been 4 days since he wrote to me.
that's what i'm feeling just at this point in time.
o well..
life goes on.
at least i think it does...

2002-08-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

well, it's the hmm...i forgot...3rd official week of school and the 2nd week of classes. i've a backache. it's that simple. and had been sick over the weekend. so it goes to show school = bad. haha! o well..what can we do about that? nothing. actually it is quite irritating to be able to do nothing for so many things. like what can be done? nothing. well, one can think about things. ponder over problems and perhaps come to a good solution, however, more thinking will probably screw my head up even more then it is already now, so i think i would advise myself against it. haha! or perhaps i'm just lazy. i think the latter suits me more.
think chris is in san diego now. perhaps. i dont know for sure but i know he read my email. no, he didn't reply but he had already said in his previous and only email to me that he is busy and doesn't have time to write me many mails and that i shouldn't be sad about it. well...i'm.. hmmm...ok, shant be sad. haha! today i'm in a fairly alright mood i suppose.
i still miss the bugger and wonder still if he thinks of me. nah, i doubt he does... i'm a pessimist. that's no good for the morale but hey! i'm still surviving or at least trying to.
lately, i dont know. either i've gotten really lazy or just mentally depressed or emotionally unstable. i just feel like there's really nothing to live for anymore. everything's just a passing facade. that will fade and disappear..like nothing's real. not anymore. it's an odd feeling. of surreality. like it seems to be real..'cos it's all there and standing and yet again, not quite. it's hard to explain.
wonder if this is considered change or what people think change is. everyones' telling me i've changed since i returned from the states. changed. like how? like what? like really? or did they change and i stayed the same so they think i have changed? it's all so subjective.
im hungry.
had curry yesterday, as usual the curry block wasn't really well mixed i never understand really why not. but yeah...hahah! will eat it again today. i still like curry so i guess, some things, just dont change...
(",)

2002-08-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

he replied to my mails. that made me a very happy girl. it was lovely especially since im sick and that made me feel really much better. yesterday i was feeling terrible as can be seen from my post. but im still feeling bad in most sense but just comforted that chris actually replied and it was a pretty lengthy mail not like "uh, ok i'm fine" kinda thing. it was cute.
argh. everyday i like him more. maybe the distance helps make everything better as well as worse but i dunno. all sounds so contradictory but still i'm alright i guess.
i dont know why i have these huge mood swings. something must be wrong. but im not on drugs. at least not on illegal ones. i did take the ones the doctor gave me. do those count? haha!
well, he's gonna be really busy and less time for replying mails but at least i know he misses me. it was sweet. i miss him so much too.
i dont know where we are going with all this but for now, at least, i'm content.
school will drive me crazy but i'll survive 'cos i know he is.

2002-08-02T04:48:00.000-07:00

i know he read my mail.
but he never replied.
i dont know.
are all guys like that?
im sick.
i mean physically sick.
with everything.
im a wreck. a total wreck.
i want to die.
somehow living doesn't seem right anymore.
i dont want love.
i dont want my parents to love me anymore.
i dont want to feel that i should be better.
i dont want to hurt when im not perfect.
i want to be a better child
but im not.
im a sinner
a waste.
the prodigal child.
the devil from hell.
no one would understand.
isn't it good to be loved?
no
not always.
sometimes love just ties you down
burns you out
and tears you apart
because you try so hard to be someone they think you are when you know you are not.
i want to try harder
but i dont know how long more i can run.
i stumbled many times.
did i pick myself up?
i wouldn't really know.
i dont really know.
maybe i was always fallen but i never realised that.
perhaps i was dying struggling for air and crying for help
but i dont know that.
or i am already dead.
somewhere
but i cannot feel it.
i know there is change and there is pain.
but i cannot pinpoint it.
it numbs me.
i cannot move.
i look out in yearning.
i find no one.
even tho' i see people
i find no one who can see me.
as if i've vanished
from this world.
or simply because i'm here but the one they see is not me.
but who they think i am.
maybe i runaway too much.
and hide so often.
i see the world with a talkative heart and a quiet mouth.
most often things are within me.
buried somewhere.
thumping.
but silent.
and hurting.
it continues...

2002-08-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

just sent chris another email. altho' he didn't reply my emails...i decided to still send him some. 'cos i miss him still and i dont want to runaway from my feelings like i did before. if i had a chance i wouldn't do that...
he still bring a smile to my face everytime i think of the times we had. i wonder if he feels the same. i dont think i will ever know. maybe eunice was right. he probably felt the same way as i did when we were still together but now he just probably doesn't anymore. that's kinda sad but i'm alright. all good things must come to an end...
it's been a long day at school.
i dont know what to feel but very drowsy now. going to bed soon. school early tomorrow. after that meeting vantan for lunch. and daphne.
i suddenly realised in these few days how comforting it is to face people you know. there's a certain happiness in it. altho' small... i think i've changed abit from before. i've come a long way from where i used to be. that's kinda cool in a way.
think i'm going to fall sick...from i dont know what. been feeling sicky lately.
o well...guess i should pop into my bed soon.
chris, wish you knew how much i missed you....

2002-07-30T04:03:00.000-07:00

Song For You - EXILE

Cry? Naite iru no?
Sono wake nara kikanai kedo...sore demo

Try itsuka kanarazu
Warainagara hanaseru you na toki ga kuru

Nanimo ka mo iya ni naru sonna hi mo aru keredo
Kitto subete wa sono mirai e to tsuzuku monogatari sa

Kimi wa hitori ja nai yo
Bokura ga koko ni iru yo
Itsumo mune no naka de zutto mitsume tsuzuketeru kara
Nanimo dekinai keredo
Kono uta wo todokeyou
We sing this song for you tonight

Stars me ni wa mienai
Sono kiseki ga hi no hikari wo tsurete kuru

Donna tsurai koto ni mo minna riyuu ga aru yo
Hitotsu hitotsu ga kakegae no nai kimi no monogatari sa

Ima doko ni iru no ka mo
Wakaranai hodo kimi wa
Mayoi kizu tsuiteru dakara sunao ni narenai ka na?
Nakeru dake naita nara
Semete kyou wa osaumi
We sing this song for you tonight

Wasurenaide daremo kawarenai monogatari sa

Sotto hitomi wo tojite
Ima sugu koko ni oide
Kimi no yume no naka de tozasareta mune mezameru made
Utai tsuzukete iru yo
Dakara kyou wa oyasumi
We sing this song for you tonight

You know you not alone

Kimi wa hitori ja nai yo
Bokura ga koko ni iru yo
Itsumo mune no naka de zutto mitsue tsuzuketeru kara
Nanimo dekinai keredo
Kono uta wo todokeyou
We sing this song for you tonight

Sing this song for you tonight

--------------------------------------------
i dont know what to feel. i checked my greetings account. he has seen my emails but he didn't reply. i dont know. maybe he doesn't have time? maybe he didn't even really read my email? maybe he doesn't care? maybe im thinking too much?
he doesn't reply my emails. if he doesnt, then there's no way we can communicate anyway. i'm sad. dissapointed. but i suppose it's going to end up being this way anyway. long distance relationships are way too hard. i want to trust him and yet he's making it so hard.
i did all i can, i cannot try anymore. this sucks. nothing i can do but hope for the better i suppose. sammie says talking about it will only make everything worse. he says thinking will only screw up your mind. but i cant help it.
sheesh! CONTACT ME for gawd's sake. dont you know i miss you, you silly oomph! *sigh* you cant hear me anyway. maybe time will change things. for better or worse i dont know. i'm beginning to lose faith and it's only week2.
God Help Me. If You only help those who help themselves, i've already done all i can in this relationship, now please help me...
is there anything else i can do?
only wait...
and wait...
and
wait...

2002-07-29T02:56:00.000-07:00

today is the 1st day of dreaded school.
turned out like shit of course. 1st lecture was "introduction to japanese studies". the japanese lady lecturer is interesting. her english is. reminds me of shige-kun. haha! but i detest year1s. i'm a year1 hater. haha! and to think i used to be one. i hated that. it's all bullshit.
read some of the notes i bought today for a fucking S$8.5, it's no cupcake...*sigh*
life IS a bed of roses man. looks pretty but full of THORNS.
i hate myself. 'cos i hate so many things. and to hate i must have loved, and i hate that as well. i'm so screwed so screwed.
*sigh*
think he's in san diego now. no news from him. nothing. o well...that's it i guess. nothing i can do about it. actually i feel alright. maybe the reality of things are setting in so i dont really feel so bad anymore. maybe all the PMS is over so i dont feel depressed anymore. but i feel like a bitch. bitching all the time and feeling bitchy.
argh. i need to save more money. shit. i wanna go to europe anyhow next year i think. i need MONEY. i'm at this age where im so stuck inbetween being a kid and being an adult. damned, i think they call this ADOLESCENT. argh. i feel so shitty.
i dont know anymore. everyone i met said i changed after returning from USA. some ppl just said, i changed. some ppl said i'm more restless, more childish but apparently it's just Change, nothing good or bad and become of it. how odd.
o well. i'm playing the waiting game. actually it's not a long or a short period of time.
everyone plays the waiting game all their life anyway.
all of us are waiting...
waiting to die.
today im morbid.
i dont know why.
maybe school makes you morbid and crazy.
but then again...
nah, it's school who's the culprit alright.
no doubt.

2002-07-27T23:41:00.000-07:00

just gave him a call. but he wasn't around. well, it's saturday night. i would have expected that. took me sooo many tries to actually get through. and he wasn't around. well...
*sigh*
left him a msg with a french girl. hope she got it right and he would get the msg.
i really doubt so tho' but i have him in mind.
dont know if he has me but...
*sigh*
i dont want to think about that.
negative thoughts just ruin things.
school starts tomorrow. how sad. in a way good as well, the time will pass more quickly. i hope. maybe im hoping for so much but i wish all will work out fine. really.
even tho' i'm just taking a chance with this all, i really hope it will work out. i'll be sad if it doesn't but i will live. as mark said, i would have learnt more from this experience whether or not it works out.
i want it to.
i need to pray harder.

2002-07-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

"Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

2002-07-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

i miss him sooo much.
but there's nothing i can do but wait for him to contact me. he's going away away...and well...im here. tonight i miss him more. when the night is cold and dark, i wish i could be with him. but i wont surrender. time will be conquered.
i will have faith.
more faith than i ever did.
hold on and hope for the best.
i guess i did all i can to show him how i feel. and now... i should just believe in him and us and not give up so easily.
i want to see him again. please God please help me.
pray all is well with him.
and us.

2002-07-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

just called him this morning. well, morning for me and like last afternoon for him. he was sleeping but mohcine went to call him up and he did come and talk to me. that sleepy head...*sigh* am i the only person in the world who needs little sleep?
it seems alright. he said my number doesn't work. we dont understand why it doesn't. o well. i think i should just trust him and not think too much about it all. it's better this way anyway rather than me being so pessimistic and all down about it all.
he said he doesn't lie and he doesn't like liars so i guess i will trust him. there's nothing i can do but trust and wait. time hopefully will aid us and not break us. there's nothing else to do. that helplessness sometimes makes me sad but still i have to be strong...
i will be
i will see him again 'cos i want to.
take control of my feelings and everything.
do something with them and not just sit around and mope anymore.
miss him.
and he says he misses me too. i believe that to be true. pray he's safe everyday and that time will help us and we will see each other and be able to hold each other again. that day will come. patience is all i can provide....
i will try my best.
keep the faith.

2002-07-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

it's already Thurs for him over there and he hasnt called me as he promised he would. think he's already forgotten about me. im beginning to lose faith even tho' i really want to keep it. long distance things wont work out and i know that. heard nothing from him. no email no call nothing....
probably just expected too much out of a guy. guys basically dont really keep in contact and all. they just go about their own lives not knowing or actually forgetting there is somebody out there waiting for something...waiting for them and missing them. they dont seem to know that at all...
but i wont be too down over this 'cos i think deep inside me i know that things would turn out this way. our dreams were too idealistic. if it all worked out, it would have been really great! i really want to hold faith that he will contact me. i wonder what he's doing and if he's ok. but i also wonder if he even thinks of me at all.
but i will try to call him tomorrow. if he aint trying, i should at least let him know i am. i dont want to just fade away in the dark and just disappear. i want my presence felt. i want him to know i am here and i exist and he should know that.

"I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far"

i want him to know i miss him so much and that he should have me in mind too. im not gonna just sit here and wait and moan. i had enough of that. it's time to get up and DO something. if i want something, im going out there to get it i guess. i will try tomorrow and hopefully he will be there to hear me. i miss him so much even tho' on the phone sometimes i dont really get what he's saying anyway but i want to hear his voice again. to know he lives...and is well.

2002-07-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

still missing him alot. i wonder how he is there. now it's like afternoon 5pm for him while it's 8am for me. it's weird isnt it? the whole time difference thing. even tho' we're under the same sky, we're leading such different lives now. o when will our lives converge again? i cannot wait until then.
nothing i can do now except continue the life i always led and wait for time to pass and go and see him again. i dont know what i want to do but i want to see him. i dont know if my feelings will prevail time or will his but it's still too early to say anything. only thing is to keep in touch and see how things will work out. i do hope we're going somewhere with this.
even tho' he's not physically with me, i have him in mind and i hope he has me too. he's going to san diego this sunday. probably try to call him again before he goes. we'll see how that works out. and i've to wait for him to give me the address so that i can mail him some things. i want to trust and believe him so much. i hope this relationship will make me believe in relationships again. it is hard but i dont want to runaway from it.
im starting to save money now and thinking about next summer. i will see him again. i will make it happen. hope by then i wont be disappointed with everything. i want to be happy. and i think that's really important. if u make yourself unhappy, you will affect the other partner as well. his summer has just begun. while im waiting for my summer to begin again. with him.
this is the ultimate test of patience....
i will survive.

2002-07-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

im back home. having mixed feelings.
feeling really bad i spent all that money on my holidays. i mean, my parents didn't have to put up with all my nonsense. the fact that they love me so much and trust me so much makes me feel uneasy like i shouldn't be doing what i do. i dont know. i feel weird all over. i felt the same way when i arrived in HK too. it was a strange feeling like i shouldnt be here. i miss him and wish i was back on the beach but we both know it's not possible.
we seem to be ok now. but that probably makes me feel worse 'cos there seems to be a relationship but to make it work will take so much time and effort and money. phone bills. my head hurts. i dont want to think about this. want to see him so badly. wish i didn't have to leave. why did this have to happen when i had to leave? argh... God better be fair to me and make everything work out. let us overcome all these obstacles and let us be together eventually. that would be lovely. but as he says, no one knows what's gonna happen. *sigh*
wish time will pass quickly so i can see him again. i have to find a job so i can go and see him soon for a longer time. i was wondering how my life is meant to be. the people i meet, the places i go, the things i love and know...do they mean something? are they meant to be this way? i dont know.
i feel as if im on a boat. rocking. physically like swaying here and there. i dont know. feeling strange. how can i feel like im on a boat when im sitting on chair on solid ground? how odd. perculiar.
anyway, i hope that i can trust him and im trying to now. there's nothing i can do anyway about everything but wait. so that's all im going to do. time will come when we can see each other again. until then i hope everything will go well for us.
in school. for me. in south america for him. and other stuff...
still wish he was right here with me.

2002-07-16T13:06:00.000-07:00

yes, things have indeed changed. i believe everything we enjoyed is pretty much over. everything is so awkward. i dont wanna try anymore. this just sucks.
and to add to it, my bank is giving me shit. my visa is blocked my atm is blocked i cant take any money out. what the F*** is going on? shit shit. im so gonna die out here.
well, even tho im a little disappointed with the way things worked out with chris, im pretty ok i suppose. i love the beach i love the ocean and that hasn't disappointed me at all. it's still really beautiful and i enjoy the water very much even tho i dont swim in it.
i think the ocean is wonderful.
it is beautiful, gentle yet strong, calm and dangerous at times. and it beholds so many things that we do not even know and can not even imagine. it is lovely. it is life and death in itself and a whole different world from which we live in. wow...i cannot yet put down in words exactly how this means to me.
i will miss the ocean when i go home. the beauty of it and it's majesty. but there is no point in time one can go on with out leaving anything behind and i must as well. the time has come for me to go and i know it.
i will. i have to. and i want to.
home is the place i must be and that is where i will go.
soon.

2002-07-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

today im going back to Huntington Beach. i miss the beach. it's lovely. i love the ocean. it's wonderful. i havent seen any dolphins in the wild yet but perhaps i will. haha!
dunno, things some things have changed between us. but it could be just me thinking too much. we'll see how everything turns out today. why do i always seems to have such confusions? like the guys im involved with seem to all have something that bug me. in a way. like only child selfishness, parent haters, lazy bums, quirky...cant i just find some decent normal guy? o well...life and it's tricks. but i know chris and i will not go anywhere in this relationship i do not see anything between us after i leave. he wont send me emails, then i wont contact him either 'cos he wasn't communicating with me so the vicious cycle continues and we lose touch. i so see this coming. hahah! but what the hell, just go out there and have some fun now. if all works out. good. if it doesn't, then well, it wasnt supposed to be then.
hope seeing him tonight will be a happy affair for him. usually i expect somethings and i dont get it and i get pretty disappointed but there's nothing i can do about that anyway. well, will record it in my journal here when i have time. i have to get ready for my long drive to LA.

2002-07-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

everything has worked out. in a way. im going back to orange county tomorrow. i think it's better for me this way not only cos i can see chris but here is really unsafe. had an encounter with a homeless guy at close range at the ATM while i was taking money. it was a freaky feeling. i also dont really wanna bother my housemates anymore. i think im better off staying somewhere on my own and paying for it. i feel better as well, moreover there will be more bathrooms back in the hostel instead of just 1 here which is a headache.
chris asked me what time i was gonna call him on fri and when i did he couldnt be found. i dont wanna think much about this...anyway i will call again tonight. i dunno what to think about the whole situation. anyway had met up with all the story board girls already and it had been cool. we went karaoke yesterday. too bad it didnt have romanji if not j. and kathy could have sung along more with us.
bought a new ORANGE luggage bag yesterday. called cathay pacific and they said i can only check in 2 bags. so i went out and bought a huge bag...my Fila bag cant fill everything 'cos i was er...a little over board in the shopping. actually branded stuff are really quite cheap here. just that you have to know where to buy them. ;)
i've this feeling of wanting to see him but i dunno how it is i feel anyway...

2002-07-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

im now back in SF but that sucks. i wish i was on the beach with chris. but time wont work that out. im guess im glad to be here and soon to meet more new friends but i wish i was on the beach with him. he said he cant understand why i had to leave, but i knew i had to there was no other way. i doubt any of this will work out but it'll be nice to just keep in contact. i dont think i'll even see him again till like the earliest a year later and anything can happen in this 1 year's time. anything. we both have out own lives and he's there and im here and we're miles apart. what good will that do us?
think i've gotten over LW already. i havent thought about him much since i came. actually since the day i left SG, i havent really thought about him.
it was fun being with chris. his accent is so cute. i really like that. wonder how he will look like when i do see him again next time. suppose he will be different...so will i. things change. perhaps we wont see each other anymore. that's a possibility. it's sad but nothing can be done. he might come to SG i might go to germany to see him but that will be next year. i need to save money. if this is the case, i wont go to japan next year, europe i shall go. that's nice, then i can visit claudi as well. i miss claudi. i miss chris too. the drive up here, i missed him pretty badly, keep thinking that i wish i didnt have to come. i still wish i didnt have to come back to SF. but there are things i must do and i cant just give them up and eventually i have to leave him anyway. i have to go home. so that's that.
i dont even know what we are, we're just together for 1 night, hung around each other for a couple of days. that's it. if we had more time maybe things would be different but it's good this way i think. no commitment and all. i guess when you like somebody whatever they do dont really matter that much. i know he does somethings like smoke and i dont like that but he can do as he pleases who am i to stop him? it didnt really smell so bad, other stuff smelt worse... if there was such a thing as destiny maybe we will see each other again if we were destined to, time and everything has to work out. hopefully it will. but im fearful as well, what happens if he's not the same ol' guy i know now when i see him next time? well, i cant deal with that now, only can decide later.
i dont wanna think about this anymore. i'll have to stop now. will call him again before i leave. maybe i'll grow my hair out long. idont know...

2002-06-27T18:39:00.000-07:00

ive been in the US for about 2 weeks already. pretty much liking it except for the LONG travelling time. from LA to SF it takes like 5 hours. i kinda miss the going to somewhere in less than an hour thing back home but other than that and the fucking cold weather at night especially in SF, it's all ok.
i guess the life i lead is pretty carefree. doing whatever, buying whatever i please. hm...maybe i should quit doing that and like save all my money. haha! but im thinking, since im here and they have alot of cool stuff, why not just buy?! so i do.
went to shop at GAP yesterday, seems so all american. hahah! GAP. i think all the dudes back home will so laugh at GAP when they see me. anyway...Hot Topic is cool too but im going Irvine to buy the stuff 'cos they have more stuff than the berkeley one.. and in berkeley shops you have to check ur bags in, they're afraid of shoplifting. sheesh. im decent kid! but anyway, they dont know that.
well, going to SEAWORLD on sunday. my dream come true man. i love love sea animals. ok not the ugly fish i saw at underwater world but...i love dolphins and whales that kinda stuff. marky boy is gonna come too. but i dunno...zzz...this whole thing doesn't seem right. vatan should be here instead. and i want LW not marky. wrong wrong wrong.
even tho' i know somethings, i just cant feel in the same way. sheesh this is bad.
sammie misses me bad. *sigh* i dont really exactly miss anyone too badly. i dunno. am i too detached but i do miss them at certain times. it's weird.
i bought Gackt's new album MOON already. and it's GREAT, i even got the free gift! bought it in Kinokuniya in LA..actually in Irvine i think. its US$37 but in sing about S$66 i think. i dunno if thats expensive or not but...hey! i got the GIFT and most ppl in SG DONT! haha! na na ni boo boo!
(^.^)
anyway, i should go and see other stuff now. perhaps write again at a later date...
;)

2002-06-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

tomorrow im going to the US. at this time, i'll prob be in the airport. i dunno. feeling a little negative like why am i doing this? but i guess there's no turning back. might as well make the best of it.
it's 4.50am now. SG time.
updated my website for gackt yesterday. it was a hectic task. worked til late too like 4am and woke up early to go swimming with vantan. got sunburnt.
at least my PinPaPa is up. i've been promising to do it for a long while.
finally up. this is great i suppose.
hmmm...
i still havent really packed for my trip and i think my mom will freak out tom. o well.
zzzzzzz...........

2002-06-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

many weird site on quizes lately. i cant imagine being a pair of BRIEFs...hahah! that'll be so weird. i'm a BROMINE. the description is pretty close to me i guess. o well
they have really quirky things on the net.
i received a whole set of gakkun's radio shows today. only started listening to tape1. there are so many and gakkun talks non-stop. i think he can really talk and talk man. last night i watched this clip of him talking about his then new release the MARS DVD, he talked non stop for 20 whole minutes. man, that guy can really talk...ALOT.
bores me at times 'cos its hard to make out what he's saying,as he likes to talk softly, also my japanese is so terrible, i cant really understand him and he goes on and on..i'd fall asleep.
o well...maybe later in life i can appreciate that more.
BROMINE.

2002-06-11T06:59:00.000-07:00

2002-06-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

Your the briefs. You live to successful. You love to go out and have
fun. Making each day counts as if it's your last

Which underwear are you?

2002-06-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

the below is what i am from the quiz i did yesterday. i'm a DEAR. hahah!
anyway a week to me flying off. no feelings except that i have to pakc up my mess which is a chore!
and today i have my final theory driving test which is a boring bother..*sigh* i've gotta go and practise for it now i guess..
o well...
life
hope i pass.
i must pass it.

2002-06-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am one of Gackt's Dears!
What kind of Gackt fan are you?

quiz by mcvarmazi

2002-06-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

well...many times i feel that i should speak up about my feelings (to the right person) but until now i never did. i dunno. perhaps it was best this way that's why my physical self did not coordinate with my less rational mental self. it was probably for the best interests of myself. things just happen in the weirdest ways. we're pretty ok friends now.

wanted to ask him if he still disliked me but i felt it was really redundant 'cos he & i can communicate with each other like normal friends now. talk online and sms..i suppose that's normal. but it's always me who's taking the initiative. so it's a one-sided thing. but i suppose it's ok. should leave it this way. will only move a step ahead if i feel there's a need to. but now there is no such calling.

sometimes i really wonder what's going on between the two of us. at times we can be friends and others i really hated him. but then "my only love stemmed from my only hate". perhaps that's how the pharse came about. odd, isn't it? guess things now are more natural. less tense than it used to be. i like it this way. maybe 'cos now i'm seeing him as a friend. even tho' i like him still...he's not that scary anymore. haha! what a strange way to put it but i was really quite fearful of him before. not anymore.

i dunno. he might just do something that will piss me off again someday but at this point in time i feel ok. like things are going fine. however they have a tendency to change in a split second. which can be interesting. i'm queer i guess. i enjoy fighting with him..hahah! i find enjoyment in that. it amuses me. or am i easily amused? that will require some thought i suppose. of which now i do not wish to dwell upon.

he'll come to the BBQ. that's great i think. was being alittle restless over the entire thing. somethings just dont go the way as it plays in my head and i do get pissed. i could be asking for too much or just being too focussed on myself. but lately, i do get easily annoyed. i think i've been at home too long and things just bug me. i must get out.

today, i bought a Gackt Rare Poster of RR from Yahoo Auctions. my 1st such transaction. decided to get it 'cos the seller was throwing in a free gackt vcd of the RR concert which i wanted to watch..that's great isn't it? hmmm, yes, i forgot to ask the seller if the VCD can be watched on the TV...i shall go and email her again later. i hope everything turns out well and the way i want it to be and that the poster is as swell as it looks and all...

2002-06-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

We Are NOT FATED To Meet.

2002-05-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

*sigh*
mixed feelings continue to swarmp me. but i think it's friendship. it's good this way. havent seen him for 6 months now. altho' i still talk to him sometimes. it's a nicer feeling of being able to talk to each other somehow. i dont think it'll be good any other way. so this is the best way. it must be. wont be seeing him much until later in the year i guess... sad but it's life.

saw some not so handsome pics of gakkun yesterday and today. yelp...they're not nice. haha! he looked fat. ok, fat's a mean word. he looked chubby...it didn't look much like him except for the eyes. and i think maybe the shots were not very flattering for him..haha! i could see the thick make-up and the chubby face.. well, gakkun's human too even tho' he says he's 462 years old and all and reincarnated from dunno where..he's just a man and man is subject to elements... and well..not always to man's benefit.
haha! ;)
i should go look at his handsome pictures now so i can make up for all the puking i did...
i can drool now.

the date to my flight is drawing near...
dont really feel much except that i wanna be alone. kinda weird. i suppose. got a postcard from van from switzerland yesterday. the post acts pretty fast eh? took only 5 days.. i should be packing my messy room..but i have no strength.
i want ice-cream...
hungry. off i go..to gorge myself on food to ease my depression..
bleh.

2002-05-27T02:32:00.000-07:00

think im a terrible bad tempered and stubborn kid.
but then again, well..i wont argue for myself, i just am.
o well... i'm going to sleep.
last night, i realised something about WK single. and this is what i wished to say to gakkun - hope you can be with her soon...
bleh.
i'm still a terrible horrible kid...
;(

2002-05-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

"Walk Me Home"
by Mandy Moore

I don't wanna go all the way alone
Baby would you walk with me home
Baby would you take my hand
Come with me now to a special land
Baby would you walk with me home

Ohh, ohh, ohh 3 A.M.
You're on my mind once again
I must have been dreamin'
Thought I felt your heartbeat just then
And I wondered how it would be
If I was your lady
And you were my friend
I would put my heart in your hand And it would never end

Baby would you walk me home (walk me home)
I don't wanna go all the way alone (all alone)
Baby would you walk with me me home
Baby would you take my hand (take my hand)
Come with me now to a special land (ohh)
Baby would you walk with me home

Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh
La, la, la, la, la, la, la

I hold your picture
Next to my heart all the time
Oh yeah, baby
You're my dream come true
So glad you're mine
And I wondered how it would be
If I was your lady
And you were my friend
I would put my heart in your hands
And it would never end

Baby would you walk me home (Baby would you walk me home)
I don't wanna go all the way alone (All alone)
Baby would you walk with me me home
(Baby would you) take my hand
Come with me now to a special land (Ohh)
Baby would you walk with me home

Oh, oh, oh
Everyday and night I wanna hold you
Understand that I am gonna love you
In my own special way (In my own special way)

Baby would you walk me home
I don't wanna go all the way alone
Baby would you walk with me me home
(If you take my hand) Baby would you take my hand
Come with me now to a special land
Baby would you walk with me home (Oh, oh, oh)

Baby would you walk me home (Baby, would you walk me home)
I don't wanna go all the way alone (All alone)
Baby would you walk with me me home (Home)

Home, home, home
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Would you walk with me home?
------------------------------
dunno why, i've just been collecting lyrics...but this song sorta hold a certain "uncertain memory" for me. i like it. mandy moore is ok too..not yucky like britney speares... she's kinda cute. this song is nice to me. 'cos it...well means something to me. tho' it was a long time ago. i miss it and sometimes i think of it still.. but it's something that wont come back. things were never the same since that day. i think i will never know why.
it just became this way.
it had caused me alot of pain, some tears and alot of thinking. i've been in this position of not knowing what i should do since these feelings developed. i've my ups and downs...emotional periods of time. instability. it was unnerving. but i think now i've gotten thru that.

"if your love has no hope of being welcomed do not voice it, for it be silent it can endure, a guarded flame within you."
-The Wisdom of the Sands-
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery~

even tho i miss those days and i think i'll never know how it may have been, i guess i'm ok. somethings in life are just meant to be this way i guess. even tho' i've hurt myself and it;s something only i will understand...and even know, i doubt i will devulge this secret to the person himself. many a time this has crossed my mind but my rational mind prevents me from moving this from thought to action. perhaps this is for the better.
that's what i wish it to be...

2002-05-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

JOURNEY
akanenosoranoshita o kaerinobasugaiku
butsukarukata o sakete tachitomaruyo
nandomoiikakete iezuni itakotoga
konnaniomotakunatte arukenai
(dokomadeikebaii?) dokode, darega, boku o matsuno?
(isoitahougaii?) nanika oitekuno?
ushinaumononado kittonanimonai
tookunobashodemamorukara kittochikaeruyo
(Gonna get, Gonna get, Gonna get all my love)
kimi no koe to
(Gonna get, Gonna get, Gonna get all my love)
kimi no kage to
(Gonna get, Gonna get, Gonna get all my love)
kimi no kotoba to
(Gonna get, Gonna get)
bokuwa tabinideruyo.
hoshiimono o tenisurutameni
tsuyogarunante, yamenishiyou
marudekagerougatachikometeiruekini
bokuhitori Home nitatteirukimochi tsuyokunaritaiyo
(Gonna get, Gonna get, Gonna get all my love)
kimi no koe to
(Gonna get, Gonna get, Gonna get all my love)
kimi no kage to
(Gonna get, Gonna get, Gonna get all my love)
kimi no kotoba to
(Gonna get, Gonna get)
kimi o muneni, aruiteku

2002-05-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

"Enrai"
by Do as Infinity

Sukima nai nyuudougumo no shita

Ano hi wa Haha to futari

Higasa wo sashite Te wo hikare

Aruiteta Natsu no michi

Semishigure ni kiesou na koe de

Nando mo itta

"Minna hitori de ikite yuku mono

Furikaeranai"

Osanasugiru watashi wa kitto

Kotaerarenai koto wo giki

Anata no senaka de Itsushika

Nemutteta Naki mo sezu

Korekara kuru yuudachi no yokan

Hibiku enrai

Arekara no watashitachi wo marude

Uranau you na

Ano hi no anata ni chikazuite

Hajimete wakaru

Totsuzensha ga mi konde nagashita

Saigo no namida

Anata no kimochi

Ano natsu no nioi

------------------
just donwloaded this song. it's the song i've been looking for but took me awhile to find it... kept downloading the wrong song since i didn't know hte title of the song. it's a lovely song. a ballade...quite sweet...
i'm so hungry. my friend is purring on the phone and mewing... she's crazy..i'm typing and she's blowing air into th speaker.. this is weird...anyway i stuck the phone to the speakers so she can listen to the songs while i type...
;)
very tiring day. spent all of it. if not most at an interview which was so dumb. well but i tried it anyway. try something once in your life i guess. and i did. my feet really hurt... did i get so much fatter that i cant carry my own weight anymore? i wonder...
hmm...
didn't eat much. a little bread and milk in the morning then had lunch at 3+pm 'cos the damned ting ended so late...and mom didn't cook dinner so i didnt have any but some cake and milk... hungry.
bought some pre-made bun dough. will bake buns tomorrow then...i hope it's yummy!
;)
anyhow...i'm still hungry but i'll be going to bed soon i guess...
the best way to deal with late night hunger is to sleep it off. i think. but then again i maybe thinking wrong...

2002-05-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

Settling
by Tara MacLean

Am I real? Am I a dream?
Am I borrowed? Am I blue?
Is it just the dust of leaving you
settling?

Am I fair? Am I strong?
Am I there? Do I belong?
Is it only skin I touch
when I reach for you?

Oh, the leaves they fall,
they go so far sometimes.
Do I blame the wind
or the tree for letting you go?
Or do I wave goodbye,
setting?

Do I stay? Do I fight?
Is it wrong and nothing's right?
Or is it just the closet light
I've offered you?

Oh the leaves they fall,
they go so far sometimes.
Do I blame the wind
or the tree that let you go?
Or do I wave goodbye,
settling?

So many times I needed
you to be strong to me.
But you bend beneath
the slightest breeze.
You have no leaves,
no leaves, no leaves...

Settling.
Am I fair? Am I strong?
Do I stay? Do I fight?
Is it just the closet light?
Is it only skin I touch,
or is it just the dust
settling?
------------------
this song is pretty nice too. it's also included in the 'liu xing hua yuan' OST. today i finally got a better connection and could dl many things quickly...it's a dream come true... in a way. haha!
compiling all the nice songs and the lyrics...
12.54am i've an interview tom. i should sleep soon...

2002-05-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

"Never Surrender"
By Cory Hart

Just a little more time is all we're asking for,
Cause just a little more time could open closen doors,
Just a little uncertainty can bring you down,
And nobody wants to know you now and nobody wants to show you how,

So if you're lost and on your own,
You can never surrender,
And if your path won't lead you home,
You can never surrender,

And when the night is cold and dark,
You can see, you can see light,
Cause no one can take away your right to fight and never surrender,

With a little perseverance you can get things done,
Thought a lot of adherence that has conquered some,

And nobody wants to know you now and nobody wants to show you how,

So if you're lost and on your own,
You can never surrender,
And if your path won't lead you home,
You can never surrender,

And when the night is cold and dark you can see,
You can see light,
Cause no one can take away your right to fight,
And to never surrender, to never surrender.

And when the night is cold and dark you can see, you can see light,
No one can take away your right to fight and to never surrender, and to never surrender.

Oh, time is all we are asking for,
To never surrender,

OHH,

You can never surrender,
Time is all we've asking for,

Oh, stand your ground, never surrender,
I said you can never surrender.

---------------------------
really like this song
heard it while i was watching the "liu xing hua yuan" VCD my friend lent me... it's a lovely song. this song was played when 'daomingsi' and 'shancai' were facing the biggest hurdle of their relationship and they tried their best to stay together. it was sweet...and the song very touching.
took me awhile to find the song to load and an even longer time to find the lyrics. found it on some board, someone had posted the lyrics on the board saying how much it inspired him.
it inspires me too.
i find that many 80s hit songs are very inspirational and soothing..i love this song. i feel like crying..but i know i will never have tears to my eyes. i dunno. not deliberately crying..just tearing...
weird

2002-05-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

1 month before i leave for USA. mixed feelings. but i realise i really wanna get outta here. not that i dont love my country. maybe 'cos i love it so much i want to see it out of it's own box. something like that. if it makes any sense at all... probably not.
hungry. i'll eat later, must record somethings here now. lemme see...
yes, yuzupon. haha! now i know the exact type of yuzupon to eat. the nicest one. not 'cos gakkun eats it. just 'cos i wanted to taste what's so good about yuzupon? chica-san was kind to teach me the difference. ok, so i've something to do in life now, hunt for yuzupon! haha! such a sad life i lead. hunting for sauce...
right, i'm still hungry. what shall i eat later...
anyway, gakkun's queer. gacktjob is strange too. that's why they're such good friends. gackt never sings his own songs in the karaoke but gacktjob does when they're drunk. haha! silly boys. wish they wont drink and smoke so much. hmm...sudden thought came to mind, so does their smoking and drinking come packaged with sex as well? hmmm...you'll never know what these celebrities do anyway...
hungry...gotta go...
more smippets another time then
and i'm still too lazy to update my site...
zzzz

2002-05-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

hee hee alot of nice things lately. gakkun was on the newpaper. on 7may2002. asked my daddy to get me the newpaper that day but he couldn't get it but he got it for me today! nice nice daddy! ;) i've already scanned and resized the article, lovely ENGLISH article on gackt (didn't have to crack my head thinking about how to translate the words from japanese/chinese to english..) i'll put it up on my site really soon. want to put everything up in one shot. it'll have more things for ppl to read and see and stuff like that rather than one at a time i think.
*sigh* I WILL DO PINPAPA but i've been absolutely lazy..gawd..i need more determination... then i have to pack my stuff soon. my bags and my ROOM (which will never, i mean NEVER get cleared...) and get all the stuff settled. i've already got my tickets today. *sigh* sometimes i still wonder how right i am in doing this...
but i'm pretty happy i guess. content is more of the word.
dunno... ;)

2002-05-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

today i went clubbing. or should i say yesterday? hmm... it's 0510h now. pretty dark outside..duh.
i feel queasy. a little. maybe i had too much to drink. i thot i would merlion but i didn't..wow. got damned tired from jumping on the dance floor. the beats were ok, but i could do with less repititions...
i'm quite a happy fish today i must say 'cos my friend who just came back from taiwan got me the REAL GACKT TRADING CARDS man.. wow...they cost like US$8 online w/o shipping... i'm a happy fish dare i say again... hahah! will put up all the lovely cards on my site soon.
goodie goodie...hahah! ;) burp...
man, i feel sucky...
zzzz....
no cute guys today. no cute everyday what the hell am i talking about... hahah! not that u count the jokers in my class. who are..hmmm...pretty cute but nah...hahah!
tata then.
just changed my title for my blog too.. it's now my castle. dont ask me why i did that. i just thought of it suddenly...
me and my whims.
tomorrow's mom's day, will collect the durian cake and make "nabe" (eh..not bad word, hor?!) for mommy to eat. until tomorrow when the day lights then. argh then the vampire will cease to exist...

2002-05-08T23:25:00.000-07:00

gakkun's sick. with a little cold. poor boy. working so hard for the past 4 months on the new album-MOON. he hardly sleeps. lately on 40min a day, poor kid. *sigh* no wonder he's all cranky. asking people to listen to him in the buff. *sigh* what is he thinking? i think he's so tired he's crazy...
i cant wait fort he new single. it's lovely. doomsday is. so i think the new album should be. gakkun thinks his fans are very patient. 'cos even tho he says "mate ne!" (wait, ok!) for his album, he doesnt release it very soon, so his fans are patiently waiting for it all the time. aw..dont make us wait already... ;)
even tho i'm sad that gakkun doesn't write to me, i still love him. well i guess you cant expect so much from a celebrity right?
i just wish he'd take good care of himself.
and be happy.
as long as he's ok, it's ok...
;)

2002-05-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

sometimes this thing doesn't work too well...
anyway just updated abit of my site last night. well i spent many hours translating the interivews. it really was no joke. i mean when you read it, it looks short but when you go and type it all down, it's not very little you know.
phew. hard work. i hope everyone will like it tho'.
i didn't realise that people actually read my blog. i wont know. i only type anyway. haha! going to make more updates soon. and translate the PINPAPA. it will be a large job but i will do it since i promised to a while ago.
hmmm and i havent taken my driving theory evaluation it's so boring and i'm so dead. i'm such a dangerous driver. i really am.
will put up some photos that gakkun took. it'll be cool.
but the dumb geocities site is under site maintainence. well ok, i'll take it as a break for me. i've been slogging over my site for the past week. i need a break.
zzz...
and i still cant make screen caps. i dunno why. it comes out black.
o welll that will be settled later. there are much more other things to do now.
like eat, maybe.

2002-05-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

[5/1/2002 12:48:36 AM | VAMPIRE ming]
lalalala...
was a little in a state of panick on saturday...i think. 'cos papa ruined the PC. again...yes yes.. luckily it was ok. but i sustained a large and heavy blow...to my sizeable collection of gackt pictures and MP3s...and videos.. they're all GONE. yes
G
O
N
E
GONE.
no longer to be found on my PC until...until i download them all over again. which is such a painstaking chore. just dl-ed chinese and japanese fonts so i cant see them on my screen the other day. that alone could have caused me a heart attack. 'cos the server died on me so many times i was fearful it would too when i was dl-ing half way...and it was a jumpy affair...
i need the fonts but i can do w/o the heart stopping events. argh...
listening to "wasurenai kara" over and over again 'cos the only MP3s i've in my PC now is that, Cube and Baroque...Cube..too noisy for the night. Baroque... wasn't sung my gackt. i like his voice...only. for MM i mean.
o well...

2002-04-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

lalalala...
was a little in a state of panick on saturday...i think. 'cos papa ruined the PC. again...yes yes.. luckily it was ok. but i sustained a large and heavy blow...to my sizeable collection of gackt pictures and MP3s...and videos.. they're all GONE. yes
G
O
N
E
GONE.
no longer to be found on my PC until...until i download them all over again. which is such a painstaking chore. just dl-ed chinese and japanese fonts so i cant see them on my screen the other day. that alone could have caused me a heart attack. 'cos the server died on me so many times i was fearful it would too when i was dl-ing half way...and it was a jumpy affair...
i need the fonts but i can do w/o the heart stopping events. argh...
listening to "wasurenai kara" over and over again 'cos the only MP3s i've in my PC now is that, Cube and Baroque...Cube..too noisy for the night. Baroque... wasn't sung my gackt. i like his voice...only. for MM i mean.
o well...

2002-04-26T00:14:00.000-07:00

HURRAY hiphip HURRAY! ;)
the nasty old exams are over! it's time to go wild and play all day. hahah!
(but the results will send me to high heaven..)
anyway i dont care less. or should i say i dont care much.
i think gakkun is so cute
chachamaru sent in fax to him during his radio show and he was real happy the guys were listening to him but he said
"dame dayo kimitachi shigoto shinasai!"
(this wont do, you guys should be working)
hahah!
it's so sweet.
going to the US in a little over a month's time. hmmm...dont know what to think.
gackt's new single wasurenai kara is nice. to me...
and his pictures.
wow...
;)
i'm a happy kid.

2002-04-15T07:52:00.000-07:00

argh
today the universe crushed me under her mighty hands.
like a pea i was crunched and broken into pieces so small one cannot count with human ways.
i dont know how i will survive but i know i will
i have to.
again the urge of jumping to the train tracks came to me today. for odd reasons. not 'cos of the test. just an urge. i dont get it either. it draws to me it. like a piece of iron to a bar of magnet. the force is strong.
HURRAY
i'll be going to the states this summer.
summer holiday i cant wait i cant wait...
beach, berries, disney world...here i come! ;) dont forget seaworld and i dunno...
FOOD! damned, i'll get fat...
oooo...
until then the exams will continue to freak me out.
argh..

2002-04-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

it's been a while since i wrote here. altho' i've been actively online, i havent come here to post. i dont know why.
been busy with sch stuff and the damned exams are round the corner. death approaches me swiftly.
and been busy with all the details for my trip. of which im quite sure will happen. it better since i put so much into planning it and all.. argh. and persuading everyone involved to be involved...
i need to study
i need determination
so much i need
so little i can provide.

2002-03-27T18:46:00.000-08:00

wrote an email to Gakkun yesterday and he replied in a day...
it was cool! ;)
but he hasnt replied since. o well.. suppose that's enough. im happy that he replied. he must be busy anyway.
not really sure if it's really really him but that';s ok, still made me smile.
after so long i finally got to email him.
i suppose it's right.
all good things must wait...
;)

2002-03-22T08:50:00.000-08:00

did some update on my site today. have somethings up. like the new dohmoto kyodai translations.
it was great doing that and some pictures i scanned and included.
good to have something up and done. but i did no studying. im so dead. really i am. i just wish i could spend all the time in my life just doing the stuff i want to do.
got a package from chica san on wednesday, a really huge surprise.
tried playing the piano and er..it didn't sound right. i will try again when my patience is with me.
went to play pool with the usual gang today. it was madness. laughter. mad laughter. i dunno. it's great to hang out with pals.
;)
heartwarming incidents in my rather cross life. i dunno. i just feel cross.. PMS. perhaps.
hmmm...

2002-03-16T16:18:00.000-08:00

it's nice to rise and shine early...BOO, i must be mad.woke up early to run today. was alittle disappointed i could use the track. hmm...it was reserved it's unfair..BOO.
realised my essay is due in 2 weeks. im so dead.
think im so nuts.
dreamt of gakkun telling me his magnum's not as small as i think it is. and he tried to show it to me. i must be going crazy...hmm...
but hey, haha! ;) it would have been interesting.
essay essay...die lah.
nothing to write. i hate that.
BOO.
>.<
hungry.

2002-03-13T06:48:00.000-08:00

read A site on KAMI's death. i didn't know him well but it was sad. the link.
http://www.vacillation.net/kami/
gackt was pretty saddened by this. losing such a good friend... it was very sad to read the words gakkun said after the death, but he was encouraging ppl to move on. i believe kami wouldnt have wanted us to pine for him either. he'd be happier if everyone moved on...and remembered him always.
the good times.

2002-03-10T16:08:00.000-08:00

last night i couldn't sleep
i dunno why. i was hot and bothered.
woke up today at 6am. felt as if i never slept but wasnt tired. i was OK. went running. 3km. almost. hahah! ;)
i feel great.
maybe i wont feel so great later in the day. i'd get mroe and more tired as the day wears by...
o man...my site;s still not the way i want it to be yet...sheesh. ;(
argh. time
i need time. more time. more PC speed.
more HTML writing speed...
more evrything.
basically i think
more drive to do work.
and schooll...
such a bother.
cant do what i want.

2002-03-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

2002-03-07T18:21:00.000-08:00

started the 1st phase of my site revamping. for now it looks pretty much the way i want it to but i suddenly realised last night when i was snuggled up in bed that er..perhaps my dreams of revamping are abit too large..wont be able to complete it by this weekend...o well i'll try my best.
work from sch and stuff just catching up on me. just wish i had more time and energy...also a co-operative system...

2002-03-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

choice number of ppl chose percentage
Vanilla Blonde 6 31.58%
The Old Brown Hair 8 42.11%
Long Malice Mizer Days 3 15.79%
The Present Short Cut 2 0.53%

----------------------------------------------------
the results of my gackt hairstyle poll...

2002-03-05T08:41:00.000-08:00

argh...the days drone on. i cant wait for wed to be over. at least the tests, alot of things going thru my mind that i wish to do. many activites that will interest me more. such as improving my website. i cant wait i cant wait. these ideas overflowing in my mind.
surely there are more things to life! than tests...but i know there's alot to be learnt. went for a tut today i felt so cheated. ran there and realised it was cancelled. apparently emails were sent but i received none. o well..and yahoo's not being co-operative with me tonight. need to check some stuff...argh.
perhaps it's ok now?
cant wait cant wait to do up my Gakkun page...

2002-03-01T07:24:00.000-08:00

ate a hotdog today. yummy. hmmm...damned term break's gonna end.

2002-02-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

ah..my fellow vampire. ALUCARD he is. such a handsome young fellow. saw some rather grisly pictures of my kind today as well...
hmm...
o well.
ALUCARD's image seems to be of the same as Gakkun's in Mizerable. the clothes and all seem to be similar. espeically in the photo books....
lovely.

2002-02-27T00:04:00.000-08:00

ha...been awhile since i posted here.
the new "story" gackt msg board is up. hopefully the board wont KO on us again. it looks pretty spiffy...
looking forward to great things from there! and hopefully years of friendship.
adament on my beliefs.
;)
silly term break. still gotta study for tests, i just remembered. yucky pooh! o well..and dumb lecturer just wont give me a hand to tell me when's the stuff due...silly silly...many books to read..argh...

2002-02-22T06:39:00.000-08:00

today i went for my 1st driving practical lesson. it's exciting. haha! for the 1st time i drove a real live sized car...but the accelerator was a little scary... a tiny push and "v vrrooommm"...hahah! a little panicked.
was very cranky today. for reasons suppressed. very tiring business. i dont know what to do i dont!! argh...
it's terrible. what am i to do? i dont know...i really wish i knew. gakkun always says dont think, just feel but i dont want to move the wrong piece of chess..
argh..
anyway just heard this song "3 small words" by Josie and the Pussy cats (this band name reminds me of archie's comics. i think there;s this band in the comics of that name...) and the beginning of the song is VERY much like "another world" by Gackt. woah..i dont know if it's a coincidence or what but gakkun has had soem problems regarding plagerism... dunno.
but still i love gakkun...
bought myself a strappy to personalise my phone! it's so cute! it's a sluggie! haha! ;)
something that makes me smile in this cranky day but i dont know if they are of joy or mere facial movements only.

2002-02-22T06:36:00.000-08:00

2002-02-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

perhaps somethings are best left alone.
maybe it has been decided...
argh...just read an article which suggests yucky fukuda kyoko and gakkun are on good terms..
eeeeee
anyway soemthings seem to be changing.
alot of ppl are keen to send me CDs...
hmmm...wonder if that's written in the stars...
hot.
feeling so hot even tho' it rained.
suppose this is a sharp reminder of making the wrong decisions based on assumptions...

2002-02-20T05:24:00.000-08:00

was suddenly thinking after reading the Nippon Crown official site for Gackt that they are doing some really serious top-notch marketing.
they can really target the crowd and slowly mix and match the differentiated goods to suit different markets and the timing is perfect! they know exactly when and where to hit you. it's amazing... wow..now u know how to do business and make millions.
they slot in something u want with something you dont want and another u want with something you dont need. then they sell it separately to earn maximum profit for minimum cost 'cos they only had to have effort to make 1 new thing and couple it with 2 old things and sell it for the price of 3...wow..now you know.
and yet...i'm going to buy CDs...
hahah!
for the love of Gackt and non-prirated CDs...
i support the real MCcoy 'cos i believe ppl should be given what they're due for their hard work...i mean, ok, Gakkun's earning millions for like ok singing a song if you put it that way. but he does more than just that. who else sleeps at 7am and wakes at 9am to continue working and perfecting his work? ok, there're ppl like that we dont know of but i think Gakkun tries his very best and it shows..he should be duely rewarded.
cant wait for the new album!

2002-02-20T05:09:00.000-08:00

updated a mall section of my site today.
that's it.

2002-02-19T06:37:00.000-08:00

just saw a pic of gakkun sleeping...
so sweet.. he looks like a baby. but it's not a natural pic of him sleeping lah. it's posed...*duh* he was still wearing make-up and eye liner and all. but the feel of it is good. so serene...i could sit all day staring at him sleep if i ever get the chance in the world to do so.
i like to watch ppl sleep. it brings you into a different world.
anyway from today onwards, major changes have ocurred in this life of mine. there was a large movement. in most ways it's good but a tinge of sadness surrounds it.
anyway it's the jitters in my tummy that most concern me at this moment... if only i can overcome myself.but then again it is only i who can do that...doesn't it make it so hard?! *sigh*
still dont know if this is right or not..

2002-02-18T07:24:00.000-08:00

happy happy day...for now that is...
apparently the MARS and RR VCDs are much in reach for me...glad glad...trying to negotiate the price..if it works out i shall be even happier..but there's one thing that will make me the happiest girl in the world...
the guy of my dreams singing 'KIMI no Tame Ni dekiru Koto' to me...i shall be soooo touched. i'll hug him so tight...
*sigh*
(speaking to myself) stop day dreaming!!
but the song is o so sweet. i will be all melted if some guy tells me that. *sigh*(looking forlorn) o well...
also there seems to be some light on the deleted videos from my morpheus...argh...your evil plots have been overthrown..evil doer!! you know who u are...boo boo!
there are lovely kind souls around...what will i do without them!
will miss them if i lose contact with them 'cos of the pending board closure...that makes me real sad...my friends...i cant bear to leave them...
hopefully there's enough fate to hold us together...
also my aussie plans seem to be fallen through...another thing that makes my day a little blue. but still a joyful lark at the moment...hopefully the aussie thing can be fixed but i doubt.
so must hope here today for someone who doesnt'; like to hope much for i believe the more you hope for the more you expect and the harder you fall, more disappointed you become when you do not attain what you hoped for...shall not live in regrets..that is not what i live by...

2002-02-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

was just reading some lyric translations of gakkun's...realised how sad and deep they were. even more feelings involved then what i ever imagined them to be, a tinge of sadness surrounds me now. this is hte epitome of reading inbetween the lines in deeper into the written to find the unexpressed feelings buried within the folds of language...
even only i had such understanding and feeling to absorb myself in these thought and bring them into words like he can. what a gift he possesses and im so thankful he uses this talent of his to spread to the world...
gakkun...i wonder if he's really happy. his songs sad as they are reflect him, do they not? so what does it say of his own psyche? then again it is the sadness in man that makes him see things in different light. one who has suffered will see more than the other who has not...this was his destiny and still is. hopefully i will be here always to walk with him...but there is no gathering that will not end.
the phat board is in shambles...i do not know where to go. an emptiness envelops me...without them, whole as i seem, i am not...

2002-02-17T07:24:00.000-08:00

i dunno if today's my lucky day or what...maybe i shall confirm that at a later date. but someone offers to sell gackt's RR and Mars Vcds. something i've really been waiting to lay my hands on...
it's great! but i hope im in time for the sale and also hope the quality of the stuff is good...
gakkun...although some of my friends think you're all so gay and not to their tastes.. i LOVE you! if you ever get to read this but that will never be isn't it?! i dunno. have ever thought that you maybe the substitute...but i will face up to my feelings soon. that's what i hope. maybe you will give me strength. every time i listen to your songs, i learn new things...new feelings and understanding. maybe together with them i grow and mature in all aspects and i thank you for that. but you will never know.
that's ok, as long as i hold you dear to me that is enough...
perhaps one day. one day we will have the fate to meet. it will be the destiny written in the stars which none of us can yet see....
in my dreams you visit me and perhaps i should be content...
;)
hopefully more good news comes to me. just like you came to me...in your own way you reached out to me and pulled me close to you. tho i cannot hear your heart beat, you walk with me every step of the way. since the day you began to pull you to me. now your journey together has begun even tho you are there and im here...i can feel you near me. always...

2002-02-15T06:49:00.000-08:00

did a gackt quiz today and im this...
---------------------------------------------------------
You are the black, winged Gackt from Malice Mizer's most popular album.
The songs on this album are dark but inspiring. All are unforgettable. Some of Malice Mizer's best work in the Gackt-age is on this CD, for it displays the multi-faceted creativity of this very versatile band.
The corresponding music videos and concert for this album are equally fascinating. Many visual kei looks are considered to be integral to this album, but most famous perhaps is the wing scheme.... where Gackt flew down from the stage ceiling all in black with giant wings like a graceful and solemn raven.
------------------------------------
how nice eh?

Which Gackt are you most like?

quiz by mcvarmazi

i've a headache!
i think my sis deleted all my half downloaded gackt videos like another world and sai kai story!
hate it! it's not the 1st time.
she denies but i bet it's her. no one but her and i use the PC anyway...she's such a GOAT! anyway touching my stuff...
argh~
bad day....bad days since CNY. hate it hate it...

2002-02-11T07:08:00.000-08:00

just read on the story board that gakkun takes belle for walks without a leash. cool and she follows him when he taps his leg. a boarder posted that after watched dohmoto kyodai. i miss dohmoto kyodai...that's so unfair. i wanna watch it too!
it's so cute! and gakkun can use his leg to kick a soccer ball in the air 13 times compared to the others he did really well... just a go-getter but a little too much perfectionism...maybe.
the chinese new year horror begins today. o well. i'll live but i wont if i dont go do my essay. i will now... tata...
gakkun....love him stilll...
saw the mizerable picture books part 1 and 2 at tower on saturday but the price of it evades me. cant believe they're selling a 2100 yen book for S$73++. such a rip off!
o well...

2002-02-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

argh...backache. boring day at school. *sigh* dont know why im always driven to sleep at the universe class even tho i try my very best to keep awake. it's the only class i really want to fall asleep...
zzzz....
finally the phat board is up again. my joy and happiness in life is back. i'm so terrible. i dunno. a wreck as usual. saw the Music station super Live again and realised gakkun seems plumper...how cute..tho' he sounded sick...
i need sleep...
zzzz...
hope the stuff gets to gakkun...
zzzz...

2002-02-03T20:46:00.000-08:00

today i went to the P.O.D free concert at Youth park. it was great. just listened while sitting down at the grass path across the road 'cos it was very crowded at the park itself. there were many sweaty half naked youths walking around. some weren't a plesant sight... haha!
after that the rest of them had stuff to do so i went to KINO to read magazines...there were LOADS of magazines with Gakkun in them. many...i think there was one called "R&R Newsmaker", i read abit of the interivew in it. it was about Gakkun's new single '12gatsu no Love Song'. i cant really remember what the interview was about 'cos it was long and all in japanese and i was tired...they talked about Gakkun's new PV concept and whether '12gatsu' follows the new concept. in a way it does. and Gakkun says he makes music 'cos music is the best way to communicate one's feelings in the most true way. he wants to reach out to ppl in the most true form. there was also this topis about gakkun and the penalty games he played on the japanese variety show-PIN PA PA. where he played games for a forfeit if he lost [will put it on my site if i have the time and energy to translate it and type it out...hopefully soon...] he said that he really thought he wouldn't lose and that's how he lives..confidence is important. there was stuff about why the PV was made in New York (i envy amercians 'cos he makes his PVs there..)and why the theme of the 9/11 incident was used. unfortunately my mind was already drifting away from reading too much japanese words..i never even liked reading chinese in school! (i didn't finish reading the whole article. it was a few pages long in tiny japanese script. and i was tired from the fun-o-rama the day before, standing around and waking up so early in the morning...)
the pictures in the book were the ones of him with lights in the background '12gatsu' image that is. as usual gakkun looked great...
next i read this article in this magazine called "Piano". it was a short article so i had the patience to read it. they asked Gakkun if he sold the '12gatsu' single during the x'mas season to cash in on the x'mas gifts buying crowds? he said that he never thought about that and he made the single to coincide with the x'mas season 'cos he felt that x'mas was a time of love and a time where ppl are searching for love. and he thought this song was appropriate to release during this season. when asked what does he do for x'mas? he said that he wishes that there would be someone waiting for him but these past 10 years he has spent x'mas in the studio with the rest of the members recording songs. (aww...how lonely...) but he likes spending it with the guys anyway.
they also asked if he cares whether the singles sell. like the business aspect of his work. but he says that he only cares about the music aspect of it. and leaves the other business stuff to the management. he says its important whether the singles bring big bucks but whether he can convey the message he wants to send across and the quality of the music.
asked about his piano playing skills, he said he was forced to play the piano since he was 3 years old but didn't really become serious until he was 8/9 years old. he's been playing the piano for almost 20 years. he says that playing the piano isn't a 1 day 2 day thing but a lifetime. even if u have talent u cant be a great pianist if u just started 2 years ago. you need loads of experience and practise. he also doesn't use music scores much these days. he says they're in his head. he only uses them now on "Dohmoto Kyodai" when they decide to arrange something new for the theme song or something. he says the piano is most important 'cos it hold the tune together. and there's a difference being able to play the piano and being a pianist.
there was also a picture (very small one like a thumbnail) of gakkun's signature and the 12gatsu single. the pictures were also of the lights and his new haircut. these magazine "translations" are of my own interpretation and of the best i could understand it. me, a non-native speaker...headache.
tomorrow school begins again. boring...

2002-02-03T07:49:00.000-08:00

2002-02-01T06:33:00.000-08:00

last night i watched the Music Station Super Live on TV. well it was only the Part 1. they cut the concert into 2 parts 'cos it was 4 hrs long.
Gakkun walked down the steps very sexily when he was being introduced. he was wearing a white shirt (drool) and black suit, as in "another world" image. as usual he did his "growl" to the crowd when he greeted the crowd while walking down the steps. (wonder why does he do that? reminds me of a cat...anyway i like cats.)
later in the show, it was Gakkun's turn to sing. Tamori-san asked him how was the year 2001. he said it was bad 'cos he had food poisoning. Also it was a tough year for him. (at this point of time, i felt that Gakkun was unhappy about something. maybe something was bothering him. i mean, as the audience sitting in my comfy sofa, i just felt this surge of angst. like something isn't right. maybe he didn't feel so good or just maybe the lights were too bright and flashy for him. he wasn't wearing any glasses. seeing Gakkun like that made me feel very sad. i dont know if he was really feeling terrible or not but that's the impression i got. also he answered the question matter-of-factly, like "get it over with now lemme sing and get outta here!" that's how i felt.) tamori-san commented that Gakkun was talking too softly in such a big concert hall. but he didn't really make any effort to talk louder or anything. Tamori-san also asked him what were his plans for 2002, he said that he was to release his new album quickly and start his concert tours quickly. after this short interview he sang "another world".
there were stage fireworks when he began the song. i felt that he was disturbed by the bright lights in front of him. then again that's how i felt. later he seemed to get out of the view of the lights fast and walked around the whole arena. (the stage was like sorta round whereby the singers can walk around the audience) the crowd went NUTS. Gakkun's really popular there, i guess...
i dunno. it was a good performance no doubt but i really wondered how Gakkun was feeling or thinking at that point of time. was is ok?
my mom watched an interview of Gakkun with me the other day and she commented that he has an aura of sadness about him. even tho he laughs and jokes with the comperes he seems sad. my mom's really good at these stuff, "seeing" ppl that is. yeah, Gakkun had a tough childhood and stuff like that. who really knows how he truely feels now? Maybe his friends but us, we dont know, that make me sad. i mean gakkun makes music to make us happy and i wish him to be happy too. that's what i truly hope for. maybe to find what he's really looking for and be a really happy guy deep down inside instead of this melancholic face that doesn't know where to find his happiness. i hope it finds him.......

2002-02-01T06:06:00.000-08:00

SOMETHING I WROTE 2 NIGHTS AGO BUT COULDN'T POST-just finished watching some of last year's NHK red white competition which i happened to find on a video. it was great but i didn't like the ENKA it was slow and er.. boring..hahah! but i cant wait to watch this year's redwhite 'cos gakkun was on it for the 1st year and supposedly there was this huge fashion-fight among the rockers to be best dressed! cool...
listened to gakkun all day to day. it was wow...learn something new everyday. new words and meanings also getting to the feel of the song more.
went for dinner with vanyang today. talked abt stuff and we came up with a plan.i seem to be getting a little i dunno...more at ease with myself maybe. perhaps those things no longer mean anything to me. even tho there was a slight tug in my heart i overcame it and decided to go along with the plan. a little bit of butterflies in my tummy but i think i'll stake it out. just hoping the news wouldn't come tomorrow night 'cos i wanna watch Music Station Superlive! (in peace that is) suddenly im not really sure if the feelings still exist or im just pushing them away. did have recollections lately. it was odd. been having weird dreams as well. still the same feeling of not knowing when the dream ends and reality begins and vice versa.
learning more things everyday. trying to feel more indulge more and know more but i dont know if that is actually happening or im just convincing myself that it is. the subconcious mind is very powerful and im aware of my drifts. probably my subconscious mind taking over me, enveloping me in a different world one which i envision to be desired.
caught inbetween myself, reality and desires. today the horoscope reading tells me to think twice about a decision. could the plan be one i should reconsider? hmmm..this sets my brain to work but i decide to go with the plan for perhaps the time has come and i finally have courage.
yuki o dashite
mou ichido sono mirai o shinji te
umare kawareru dakara nigenai yo
koko ni iru yo aruki dasu
tatta hitori no kimi ni au tame ni
- ELT ~the one thing~ -
heard this song just now on redwhite. "kimi ni aitakute ~missing you~" by seiko matsuda. it was touching.
maybe such words shouldnt be spoken or heard by me for a sense of wavering sadness wraps me. which i wish to discard. i believe one day i can that's the one thing i must do. perhaps it's the only thing to do.
what i used to know, i dont know now. what i used to think, i no longer believe. maybe what i used to feel, i feel no more...
then there's this dumb rumour about gakkun's name being watanabe. sheesh. it's his Manager's name- Kou Watanabe... dumb air stewardesses..never did like 'em much.
Gakkun's always gakkun to me! love him more everyday. maybe that's why somethings move to become only shadows of the past for the present has outcast it...

2002-01-26T23:23:00.000-08:00

just finished downloading this song STARS by nakashima mika. i think she's quite pretty and sings quite nicely too. the song's great. i like it. she's quite a funny girl too. eating 7 meals aday and she's still so skinny! wow! many ppl would like to have her metabolic rate...
read a site on Gackt Job. they're all really great musicians all those guys. real cool. You, Ren, Chachamaru, Masa and Toshi...they're individual and yet work great together. so glad gakkun found these boys to work with. i think i shall go and see my video again later. You was really nice to stay with gakkun on his depressing x'mas eve day leaving his girlfriend to fend for herself! girl power anyway! who needs men. but we love 'em all the same...
*argh* the beginning of the school week again. damned. my boring life continues......

2002-01-25T06:55:00.000-08:00

tthere was this post on the story msg board today saying that gakkun's name isn't manabu. but misago or something wait let me find the post...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
there is another possibility, the kanji for osprey (a bird of prey) can be read as "Gaku" (on-yomi) and it can also be read as "Misago" (kun-yomi). but there's almost an infinite number of possibilites as to Gackts real name and who knows it might not even be written in kanji because not all japanese first names are written in kanji. also another thing is that if Gackt is from Okinawa theres the possibility that he has an okinawan name which tend to be a little different in writing and pronunciation than standard japanese names.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is weird. but anyway i think manabu sounds better than misago. *sigh* whatever gakkun's real name is, i prefer calling him gakkun. my mom just said gakkun's got poise. the manners of a star. a big star. like his calm and cool when he talks. doesn't mince his words and is basically so cool! KAKKOII...
hai...my gakkun. swooning over him.
the new CDs i bought are great. love 'em and the TV show "shotgun marriage"..altho it's a little draggy it's nice. at least i think its sweet. that Ryu actually tries so hard to make things work out. Chiyo can be abit childish and bitchy but she's a 20 yr old girl anyway. still a child. it's a fantasy world. where in the world would a guy be so nice?
should be studying my notes but im just lazy coming online and watching tv and dragging everything. just being a big bum...*sheesh*

2002-01-24T10:45:00.000-08:00

today i learned from the story msg board that the MS in gakkun's name is either MANABU SATO or MANABU SUZUKI. manabu...not too bad a name i guess. the person who told us that said that gakkun once said his friends called him "gaku-chan" in school. "gaku" is one of the ways u can read the kanji for "manabu" which means "learning or knowledge". no wonder gakkun's so curious about everything and eager to learn! so he named himself "gakuto" now using his childhood "gaku-chan". i find that very cute...
manabu...*sigh* i can imagine him as a little boy and his mom's call him "manabu..."
the post also talked abt rumours of gakkun having a french grandmother and an american relative or something. but that's just a rumour. but judging that he was born in Okinawa it's possible 'cos Okinawa was the place where all the foreign trade and all started and the US forces are based there. but i still find his english a little weird even tho' i know he tries his best.
gakkun's getting abit skinny and his face thin. it shows from the videos i've been watching. *sigh* he looked so much healthier in MM. maybe work overload or prehaps life was easier then? he was happier and things were simplier? you have to sacrifice somethings to get others sometimes...
o what am i going to give gakkun as our STORY valentine's day gift? i seriously havent' thought about it much... o well..time for bed i guess. tomorrow im going to eat nice stuff...
hahah! not that i dont everyday already. and yes, the driving stuff is giving me a headache...argh! dont know what is going on...

2002-01-23T08:03:00.000-08:00

one more thing
i think gakkun is absolutely a concert crowd grabber. he's great. there were a few live performances of gakkun on the VCD and he was wonderful...like WOW! made the crowd move and stuff like that, know how to heighten the emotions...
he does live shows great! and he's such a comedian..in his own way...
*gushes over gakkun...*
ps: tried a so called gackt email address but it doesn't work...sheesh..
o well...

2002-01-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

i skipped my last lecture today, went to town to buy Cds. got the ELT ballad that i always hoped they'd make and the Hitomi "Is It You?" single. i like that song. so now im quite poor. haha! o well. it was raining and being wet in a cold LT would make you colder and freeze to death, so i decided against that and left. boring anyway...
i was so happy last night! the VCD on gackt from Bunny arrived yesterday! it was well worth the wait. had 12gatsu PV and all that TV clips and stuff. aww...it's great! i'll try to translate the stuff and put it online. but i'll have to watch everything again (not that i dread it, i LOVE it...) and listen to the japanese more closely. sometimes i wish i could understand colloquail japanese with the snap of my fingers.. (mostly when im watching shows w/o subtitles...) but not to worry! watashi ganbarimase...i will achieve it in time..haha!
realised i
ve alot of school work to catch up on. im a lazy girl...*sigh*
gakkun...love him. maybe due to him im letting go of many things. or perhaps the other things were just illusions? or is this an illusion now?
i am disillusioned...

2002-01-21T07:24:00.000-08:00

well well well. another day has begun another week again... *sigh* time seems to fly past. like ZOOM...eh? another week already ah? haha! was suddenly thinking maybe Gakkun shouldn't sing "another world" he should sing "another week" hahaha! im so weird...
signed up for driving lessons today. still alittle apprehensive about how the whole damn thing works and whether or not it'll be a waste of money...but i think i'll be ok and get the hang of things soon. and i wish i didnt think so much about the money and all. anyway it's not mine.
suddenly realised that i should be reading my textbooks. no wonder im so free these days 'cos i've not been studying as i should. such a dumb ass... and damned i cant find my tutorial on the damned web. i hate this system sometimes.
had american film lecture again today. saw 'young romance" a 1915 feature film. old films are erm...not my cup of tea i suppose. haha! it can be interesting but...i prefer movies the way they are now. with people SPEAKING...ahahah!
there's gonna be a free concert soon. i wanna go. it's by P.O.D. i dont know them but i wanna go anyway. suffered from insomnia again last night. it was shitty...*poof* i should leave now...

2002-01-20T01:56:00.000-08:00

the weather has become quite hot suddenly. hmm..isn't it still supposed to be winter-spring period? odd and it's getting very humid, i dont like that sticky feeling.
was listening to MM album this morning. it's great. wow! still love it. but rather pissed that my gackt videos are all gone! the ones that are almost completed or still downloading are all gone! really...i wonder why! it's so odd. they just disappear...sad.
o well, gonna strat my driving soon, alittle apprehensive still. i dunno a sense of foreboding... like something isn't right. but many things seem this way and turn out right eventually too. who knows?
tomorrow's the beginning of another week. damned. school...drag drag..sheesh..
HOT...
gonna watch tv now. japanese cooking variety show. yummy...

2002-01-19T01:45:00.000-08:00

just read an article in japanese from the GACKT homepage. there's information about him inviting fans his DEARs to hawaii. wow! cool. alot it's quite expensive i bet all 500 place will be hotly taken up. sometimes i wish i was so rich and lived in japan or soemthing. but one learns to make the best out of every situation dont they? i do. at least i try...

2002-01-18T06:33:00.000-08:00

it's 10.21pm.the same day hahah! im feeling fine. even tho' i only had 3 hrs of sleep.
feeling a little empty tho' the same empty feeling that makes my nights sleepless. i wonder what it is and i wonder why it's there... like something is missing and yet, i dunno what it is. maybe i do but...
im still hanging in limbo.
hate that feeling.
anyway got abit sunburnt today. just by walking around. sheesh. that's dumb. met a nice aussie lady at the park. she was an insight for me. certain issues were worth chatting about. it was nice to talk to her and her daughter is quite cute.
was abit sad to see "cash" today. they shaved her hair. she looked weird. "tango" well, he doesn't respond to me as well as "cash" does. but hey! they're not my dogs. real cute but i was quite sad that for dumb reasons they had to be separated. they feel abit sad too i guess. somethings in life are the way they are and sometime they're baffling. as to why things become this way.
trying to read a japanese site. taking me some time.
today was a tiring day. altho' i hadn't slept much, it wasn't the amount of sleep but the activities carried out today that wearied me. the events of the day. hmmm...
suddenly i realise that maybe im not happy at all. for some reason there is a void in me. which i can find nothing to fill...that disturbs me.