Wednesday, September 25, 2002 :::
 

ROMAJI transliteration:

kimi no sono yokokao ga
kanashii hodo kirei de
nani hitotsu kotoba kakerarenakute
ki tsukeba namida afurete ru
kitto sonna ga omotte iru yori zutto
kizu tsuite ta ne tsukarete ita ne
ki tsukazu ni ite gomen ne

haru no kaze tsutsumarete yuruka na yume egaite
natsu no kumo tokirete ha kiete itta
aki no sora setsunakute fuyu no umi tsumetakute
muchuu ni natte iku hodo toki ha tatte ita ne

takusan no dekigoto wo
kuguri nukete kitan da
soshite ima koko ni iru kimi no koto
hokori ni omou itsu no hi mo
hito tte kitto kotoba ni naranai you na
omoide da to ka kimochi to kakae
sou shite ikite iku n da ne
toomawari bakari shite tsukareru toki mo aru ne
da kedo saigo ni tadori tsuku basho tte
soba ni iru dake de tada kokoro ga iyasarete ku
sonna sasae ni itsu ka naritai to negau yo

ENGLISH translation:

Your face is
more beautiful when you're sad.
I couldn't say even one word,
When I noticed, you had brimmed over with tears.
That must have hurt much more
than I thought. I'm tired.
I'm sorry that I didn't notice.

The spring wind rolls by, it draws a far off dream.
The break in the summer clouds disappeared.
The autumn sky is painful, the winter sea is cold
The more I fall into a trance the more time passes.

Many events
have slipped by.
And you, here, now,
I'm proud of you, always.
People are not memories
that you can put into words. They live
holding onto their feelings.
Sometimes you take only the roundabout way and get tired.
But the place I finally get to
is just by your side, and my heart is healed.
I want to be that kind of support someday.


::: posted by MINGZY at 7:18 PM

Saturday, September 21, 2002 :::
 
*sigh*
i believe i'm truely strange. either i am or my class people are. i dont find them interesting or extremely fun to be with. actually not fun at all. they bore me. and frustrate me so much. my life has reached a point of saturation. i dont know. like emotionally downhill. with these "classmates" of mine. they might as well turn themselves into "groupies", i mean, they are groupies already. might as well legitimatise it and all..
argh.
i HATE group mentality. i detest groupies. i loathe their very existence. their presence emits a sense of evil & foulness. i cannot explain. the auras they show to me are shallow. i wish they'd go away. is it so damned hard to find someone of the same frequency? the world is unkind. at this point in time, it's testing my patience to the very last inch of my mortal body & soul. to prevail or collapse. i know not. for i'm only human.
*sigh*
i want to escape from all this. but i'm trapped. there's no way out.
death?
do i want to end it all yet?
no. there are still too many uncertainties. i'm interested to know, for now, what the outcomes are.
at time, i feel like there's no point going on anymore. then again, i've too many responsibilities to be able to take my life now. there's much to be done.
many times, i wonder if i'm doing everything for the right reasons or not and should i really do it or is it worth it...the answers i really dont know. i cannot find them. but i'm carrying on. perhaps with some hope and curiousity.
they say "curiosity killed the cat".
but i think i could get wounded. surely, i wouldn't come out of it dead.
i doubt it very much.

::: posted by MINGZY at 10:21 AM

Monday, September 16, 2002 :::
 
suddenly i've been feeling afraid. like things about chris. how well do i know him to go there and see him? am i putting myself at risk? until now, everything's like what he said it is.
talked abit with yama-kun, i feel better. i trust chris. i hope i didn't trust the wrong person. just hope and pray i'm right about him and he's not some goon or serial rapist or anything. that would be terrible.
those baddies are 1 in a million. i hope i wasn't "lucky" enough to know one.
but judging from all the interaction i had with chris, tho' it was short and few, he seems alright. just hope he really is the man i think him to be. but if i die as a result of all this. suppose it is fate and even tho' i fear, i'm not too afraid. maybe it is the way things should be.
faith. trust. understanding. i need more of these.

::: posted by MINGZY at 4:20 AM

Saturday, September 14, 2002 :::
 
was finally able to book my driving test.
yesterday was feeling like crap. today a little light hearted, i think. i dunno. hormones?
hmm..
tired.
*poof*

::: posted by MINGZY at 10:04 AM

Friday, September 13, 2002 :::
 
dont know if this is all i want. i dont wanna find a guy in Uni, date him for 4 years, register for a condo/public housing, get registered for marriage, enjoy the "honeymoon" period for a year, have like 3 kids ('cos the govt says so..3 or more is the current policy) and then be so busy at work that i dont see them grow, then POOF they;re getting on with this cycle. and i'm old in my condo..wondering why i feel so empty..
i wanna break outta this. but i'm trapped. i feel trapped.
lonely.
misunderstood.
depressed.
exhausted.
the days past.
the more weary i become.
but the treadmill goes on.
and if i stop, i'll surely be dragged under it and be killed.
the only thing is to jump off the treadmill
i dont know if i can
i dont know if i should.
i just
dont know...
not anymore.


::: posted by MINGZY at 7:15 AM

Sunday, September 08, 2002 :::
 
headache.
think the weather. cranky weather's making me weird. like a dizzy kinda headachy feeling. weird.
term break term break. i'm going to be so broken. *sigh* break my lazy bones. but i do not have the strength.
spinning spinning.
the world is spinning.
round and round. aching.
growing fat.
getting big.
i'm a blob.
or a blop.
i'm not sure.
uncertainty is the only certain thing in my life.
how comforting that thought seems to be.
*sigh*

::: posted by MINGZY at 9:59 PM

Friday, September 06, 2002 :::
 
at times i feel like my dreams will come true
and then maybe reality bites me and i think it wont
but i suppose i will continue to trudge on
since there's no where else to go
but forward.
in a little over a week, it would be 2 months since we parted ways. i still dont know whether i should be saddend or elated that time is passing.
school's out for a week
it's not good news.
there's much work to be done.
and i have lazy bones.
no good.
i dont know if things will straighten out eventually. everything's still uncertain.
i'm growing weary.
but i will try to
persevere.
there could be harsher times.
unknown to me.


::: posted by MINGZY at 8:20 AM